Panic - a case of opposites

I'm not talking about medication here - I'm talking about REAL recovery - based on understanding. You're not mad, in fact, you're very much the opposite.

It is certainly not a 'sob' story – anything but – I feel quite proud that I have 'come out the other side' of this, although I have had many setbacks, but have nevertheless had a very strong will to pull through and lead a happier life. Why should this account be worth reading? Well, I would hope that it is interesting and also informative, especially for those who have had similar experiences of destructive, compulsive panic or, more to the point, 'knotted' tension which makes life sometimes intolerable and incredibly lonely.

This is not to say that I am lonely in my 'fight' (by the way – I use this term as merely a term – as this has been a major part of my problem). I had to learn that, being the type of person that I was, meant that there was a strong resistance to help or 'talking', because I was trying to achieve perfection in my life and this did not mean 'putting my hands up' and admitting I had not got it quite right.

I have suffered with real mental anxiety for, as close as I can remember, near on 26ish years now since being a teenager and don’t want to go back (I have been completely recovered now for @ 8 years). I don’t believe that this solely reflects on just one particular problem either. I know the main reason that I have literally had a mental illness – is that I am a 'perfectionist', but what I think has happened here is that there is really a contradiction in terms. By trying to achieve, what in my eyes, was a 'perfect' life, I ended up being a miserable, paranoid, nervous wreck. I don’t think 'being a perfectionist' is really an exclusive club, either – I think there are many of us who have aspects of this in our characters and suffer accordingly – if we don’t deal with it properly.

As you will see, I have realised there isn't anything wrong with wanting everything to be right, it's just that we go the wrong 'way' about it. We, in fact, lack trust in our 'natural' ability to deal with situations and engage in a destructive process of 'over-reacting' (see 'Method of Recovery').

The devastation of panic can’t be under-estimated, and unless you’ve suffered it, it’s sometimes quite difficult to understand how someone can be so affected by what may appear quite trivial. Like the phrase "don’t tell someone who is depressed to snap out of it", I can certainly understand why, as confusion, to me, is a main factor in panic, which I do feel may be a root cause of many other mental illnesses. I have always thought, for example, that Anorexia has very strong similarities with my illness, and have noticed parallels with harming yourself inadvertently (may be psychologically/physically) due to your state of confusion– whilst to others on the outside, it seems crazy!

Indeed, you may/may not have a similar character profile to me - sensitive, intense, want everything right etc, but all that matters is that I understand the tendencies/compulsiveness to check can be averted, as I am aware of the damage it causes.

After 14 years of this illness I still didn't really know what was wrong with me. Therapists couldn't really help me, psychiatrists just put me on drugs and self-help books were too general.

Then a guy at Paxil Progress recommended your site. I could have easily just bookmarked it and never got round to looking at it but I'm so glad I didn't. Within seconds of reading I knew I was onto something special. In fact the first page alone made me sit up and take notice. I'd never actually heard the phrase 'obsessive panic' before and I realised that's what I suffered from.

Then I realised you were describing the same thought processes I experience. Even describing these thoughts has been something I have found difficult but you do it perfectly. After the generalities of other self-help books I was amazed to connect and identify so strongly with what you were saying. It was like you were saying it right to me!

Not only can you describe the thought process but you understand it AND you have a solution. And it works too. Just reading a small portion of your website was enough for me to understand and implement your strategy. Already I am feeling the difference. I am using your 'not do' solution all day every day now. It'll take a while to fully get into this new habit but for the first time in my life there is hope of freedom from this illness..........an illness that all but literally takes your life away.