CHARACTER PROFILE

Do you feel like you're on a downward spiral and can't get out?

In the past, I have experienced these attacks and they have lasted hours/days/weeks with temporary periods of relief, when I think I have worked out what I have been doing wrong. This, indeed, stopped me in the past from seeking medical help because I was determined to sort myself out. At University, I was literally desperate - lonely/terribly depressed even though I had a girlfriend, as I felt really stupid for the way I felt and didn’t say a thing, not even to her or my parents. The headaches I got were immense! In fact, the main reason for this was that I had a lot of doubts about our relationship, and could not cope with the 'mental torture' which ensued.

So how did I get through all of this? Well, believe me I have had setback after setback, but have been determined to sort myself out. I did seek professional help/contacted the 'Phobics Society/No Panic' and also started talking to those 'close' to me. This was very difficult as we all know, but I was desperate and had to do it. Being a perfectionist certainly does not lend itself to talking, as I found out, you have to be 'pretty desperate' to do it, but if you establish a trust - it can become easier.

Nevertheless, I still found my condition re-occurring, but knew there were specific times when I felt enormous relief and these tended to be when I had hit 'rock bottom' or near it, and it would then seem clearer what I was doing. This gave me hope even though I didn’t quite know for certain what was making me feel better. As I will frequently make references to, confusion was a major part of my problem.

Later on, I remember in my mid-twenties going to college for a year to do my teaching qualification and having had a cough for weeks. I worked myself up into a frenzy thinking I had 'Aids' - it was very much in the news at this time - and eventually had to go for a test – there was no other solution to my mental pain. I remember going across the road to the phone box at 4 in the morning to ring a helpline as it was constantly on my mind. I then had a test which came back negative – but I wasn’t ok after this – actually I was just the same anxious wreck from minute to minute, second to second, every day until I would find ‘some’ solution to escape the pain, as I was in a downward spiral of what I would call 'negative inadvertent, self-harming thought'.

Anyway, back to solutions – when I felt terrible at this point in my life – I went to the local book shop to look for anything on depression, as I was sharing a flat with college friends and was near breaking point, keeping a brave face – I don't know how! The book I got was about not worrying and living your life 'one day at a time'. I thought ‘good idea’ and tried to put it into practice, as the author recalled stories of people who worried so much that one actually went in to hospital and was on their 'death bed', because of their suicidal state and despair at being unable to escape worry. Then, as a revelation, came a remarkable recovery because they 'gave in' and waited to die. As a result, they actually started to feel better!

So what was happening here? This is very much how I have sometimes felt when I have got so low. You eventually 'give in' and funnily enough start feeling better. It’s a very scary thing – what I would compare to walking off a plank, not knowing what you’re going to hit below! 

This is my main focus for the solution to my problem. I think the author of that book touched on a very important solution, but himself may not have truly understood why that person felt so much better. Indeed, we all worry and that is ok, but I saw this patient as having a much deeper problem of sheer devastating obsessive panic, or as you will see later, a secondary, not primary problem.  

So out of all of this, came my strategy for recovery through the pain of my experiences and now this idea of 'letting go'. I, indeed, had felt better when I had given in, no more fighting (which panic is the equivalent to*). I realised that I would react to certain thoughts/feelings/stress/uncertainty/anger/nervousness/confusion etc with sheer panic, as I thought they were wrong and would feel very uncomfortable with them.  *See also next few site pages or book for more info on flighting - the 'opposite' reaction.

There was a real tendency/temptation for me 'over-control' these feelings, in an attempt to gain clarification. As you will see in the 'Crux of Recovery' section in each journal, there is a very distinct process where you force yourself into this secondary panic – and if you're aware of this process, you can then understand there is no need to do this. Character make-up certainly doesn't help ie you may have a tendency to be intense/sensitive/want everything to be right, and so I had to understand why I was 'prone' to this type of secondary reaction anyway.    

The feeling of 'relief', knowing I don’t have to react to these feelings anymore, is immeasurable, but I still have to be on top of it. As I said, before, it became very clear when I was at rock bottom because 'giving in' was easier to do at this time. But when I had felt better for some time, I was then at risk from 'slipping' back in to my 'ultra perfectionist' behaviours, which would lead to me reacting to any bad thoughts/feelings without realising I was going back to my old ways.

"Thanks Will,  I think this is going to be the thing that is going to lead to my recovery you know! I have tried allsorts of remedies in the past but i can just tell this is the one as the relief i feel when i dont fight is incredible.... its the same relief i feel when i have hit rock bottom and given in to the fight, yet its better as i dont have to hit rock bottom to feel it! 
 
You are a remarkable person, if one good thing came from all you suffering it is that it has and will bring the end to the suffering of so many people. Thankyou"... Jen (see also on 'More Book Reviews')

If you read 'Getting Ahead of Myself' (Chapter 2), you will see that the reason we have this illness itself is that there is a very 'fine line' between being someone who is very capable of being in control and that same person who then oversteps the mark - trying to 'force' control for 'secondary' confirmation.

As you will see in my 'Method of Recovery', this illness is so difficult to understand, because the feeling of relief from 'letting go' can then be confused with telling yourself 'you must consciously do this', which is a reincarnation of the illness itself.  

You may be 'intense' or sensitive, a worrier or deep thinker/perfectionist but that's ok – it’s 'normal' to be like this, it just means you want everything to be right. Whilst having to accept that 'not everything is straightforward in life', there is no need to make an issue of this – which, again, is what panic is – a secondary need/desire to check OR run from your primary/natural thoughts and controls – which you don’t have to 'do'. Understand this condition if you have any parallels and you will begin the recovery process, which I have then found easier to adopt, because it made me happier.

21/6 Hello Will,