What is relaxing?

The truth is, with a perfectionist leaning - you may try 'too hard' to control life and that also applies to relaxing or 'calming'.

This is why we can't expect to get total calm when we spike/feel panicky.

I used to get caught in this trap... even head-speaking 'relax' to achieve this. Hence, calming is very much a brief awareness to calm the mind - this is that 'taking your foot off the pedal' at each anxious point.

From 'The Mind Works' Advice Column section: Intrusive thoughts -

I advised a Grandma who had a single thought about harming her grandchildren when she was looking after them. She then escalated into a mad panic about why she would think like this? Breaking the chain of events helped her to understand, that whilst very distressing for her, it was only a thought (yes, we 'can' have mad thoughts!) and she just needed to let this thought pass without trying to completely understand it and it would go.

She had already 'gone through' zones 1+2 (see video), which is the negative thought and anxious temptation (remember we can’t help that temptation as it’s already ‘happened’ by the time we realise it).

The thought was completely natural and she only had to choose whether to avoid chasing this up constantly in her head. Breaking the chain meant understanding she just needed to release the temptation to forced analyse, no matter how many times she spiked about the issue...

So...an intense/worrying nature is often the catalyst for this problem...a problem very much about 'reacting' and trying too hard to over-control intense now 'past tense' thoughts.

Excerpt from Ch 2 The Mind Works

Have you ever tried to remember something and ended up ‘racking your brain’? The harder you try to remember, the less luck you have and then, suddenly, maybe sometime later it comes to you?

Well, this is what I would liken to this problem. Once you start trying to ‘force’ your mind to remember a word, you go blank, but later it may come naturally to you - in a moment. This is the concept of primary and secondary thinking. Therefore, at first you can’t remember the word, so it’s pointless trying to then fight the answer out of your head - which is what I would liken to secondary thinking. You shouldn’t force it… accept the word isn’t yet there and wait for it to come naturally – hold 'off' any temptation to head-talk it.